So, this blog post I wrote three days ago, titled "Stop Being So Hard on Yourself".
I didn't publish it though.
It didn't seem ready... it wasn't good enough.... I wasn't sure why I had even written it.
Now, three days later, I know why I didn't publish it. Because, even just three days can completely flip your life perspective.
I'll include the post for you below and the expand on my life revelations! :)
Stop Being So Hard On Yourself
I need a slap.
A lot of my internal dialogue these days has been along the lines of:
"What am I DOING with my LIIIIFFEEE??"
"I need to be more proactive!!!! Stop watching True Detective!!!!"
"I have achieved NOTHING in AGES!"
"I HAVE to stop making coffee for a living!!! Get your ACT TOGETHER, HANNAH!!!"
Etc and so forth...
Whoa whoa whoa.... Why are we so hard on ourselves? (Do you love how I assume everyone is as mean to themselves as I am?)
Basically, I'm struggling because this time last year I was insanely busy.
I was performing in 2 plays, I was writing another, working full time, always visiting family....I even did some regular photo shoots with a friend that ended getting me on an ALBUM COVER! I'm not kidding. Proof is below. I was basically winning at life. Everything seemed hectic and creative and fun and busy; I love feeling busy. I love feeling proactive. I love feeling like I'm ACHIEVING.
I like to feel like every day counts.
Then... I had a bit of a rough patch.
And that is fine. I got though it fine (this blog helped actually! I got plenty of love and support from all directions!) but it's weirdly hard to get back on the creative wagon. Acting and performing is what I want to do. It's my passion. Sadly, most of the time this passion relies on other people: theatre companies to create work, agents to get you auditions, casting directors to like you.... A lot is out of your hands. Sure, you can make your own theatre and I've done this. It's incredible, but very hard work, a lot of unpaid hours and it satisfies a completely different part of you then simply performing does.
Performing is what I love. I want to act. I want to create. I want to tell some amazing stories.
And I'm just not at the moment. I have all the motivation, all the same skills, all the same contacts... But it's not happening. It's hard to believe the difference a year can make.
In this industry (or any industry I suppose) things are so changeable day by day. Tomorrow I could get a call from my agent about a huge gig.... I could get a phone call from a director .... I could land a dream paid role on the West End! Anything could happen.
Or nothing could.
And most of the time: it's nothing.
When I first moved to Manchester I was bursting with energy, confidence, excitement and a genuine "here I am, World!" attitude that must have been infectious, because that is when I was the most busy and "employed". Literally every audition I went to when I first arrived, I got. Every person I met, I saw as a brilliant new contact, I put myself out there, I marketed myself, I invested in all the weird Online Casting Websites.... I even ate better to keep myself in good shape. And I was BUSY. I cannot even begin to tell you how busy I was.
Over a year later, things look quite different, even though I don't think I'M too different. My attitude is still good, my diet is still good (though I eat more chips then I used to. DAMN YOU ENGLAND!) my motivation is still good....
Something HAS changed though, because I haven't stood on a stage, performing since November 2013. It's now JUNE.
So, let's ask the question: have I changed? Have I allowed some old negativity to creep in and infect my "HERE I AM!" attitude? Have I gotten lazy? Have I gotten afraid of success? Have I gotten jaded?
I think I know the answer to these questions and I think there's truth to it all. I also know, that this is a FICKLE world I'm determined to enter. The Acting/Theatre/Creative world is so bloody fickle. Even the basics of being "right for a role" is so fickle. You can be the most brilliant actress in the world, but not what they need.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is: over the last few months I have had SO MUCH TIME on my hands.
Time I'm not used to.
I'm bored. I'm bloody bored.
I'm not used to relaxing... I'm not used to doing nothing and having way too much time to plate up food for one....
How sad is that? Thank God I have a blog as an excuse....
When we are bored - we can over-think the most ridiculous things and not SAVOR the lovely relaxing time we crave when we're busy. I've spent the last few months having far too much time to relax... and only just now am I "getting" it. I finally get how to relax. I have made peace with the fact that this is a quiet time and to try enjoy it.
It's been good for me :)
It's forcing me to ENJOY not being busy. Enjoy the relaxing. Make the most of not having to rush to rehearsal every single night after work, or spending every free second learning lines, or trying frantically to swap shifts around so you can make Tech Rehearsal. Enjoy this stress-free, commitment-free, sunny, relaxing time and stop shoving yourself into these ridiculous bouts of negativity that literally achieve nothing.
Sit in the sun, read. Finally go back to Yoga! Spend time with people! Set up skype dates! Do all those things.
Because, believe me (Future Hannah has entered the building) you will be busy again before you know it. This relaxation time will not last long... enjoy being able to read a novel while you can.
Things are gonna get mad again in NO time.
Love and Sweet Potatoes! XX
3 Days Later
Okay, thanks for reading.... so that was my little self-pitting post.
Basically - that whole "future Hannah" part at the end... She entered the building and has set up camp. Positive Hannah had a taste of the spotlight and ain't goin' nowhere! ;)
Since I wrote that post, I've had a "no, I don't want to BE BORED... and that's okay!" attitude. I've begun saying actively to myself: "I am an actress. This is what I'm here to do."
So, I've been more active. I've beavered away on the work involved putting on a show, I've been a lot more social with my amazing friends, I've been cooking LOTS more and... as silly as it sounds... I've just been VISUALIZING something happening. A change. A phone call. Some bloody excitement.
And........ things certainly have happened since then :)
My phone has been ringing and its FULL of exciting things! Of course, in another 3 days I may post saying: "nothing came from any of that brilliant news"... but strangely, I don't think I will. And even if it does... it'll just be another 3 days till the something that changes it all.
I feel good. I feel in control. I feel EXCITED about life....! I don't like being bored? Okay, so I'm going to COMMIT to that. I'm going to stop beating myself up for wanting to be busy...
Please keep all your lovely veggie fingers crossed for me that some of these phone calls and auditions and plans go well. Even if just one of them does, I'll be an incredibly happy camper.
Remember: life is exciting! It's FULL of possibilities! Anything can happen day by day. Tomorrow: you could meet the love of you life, you could meet your future boss, you can decide to go traveling. Or....tomorrow something drastic could happen that ISN'T positive and that's worth remembering too......
Savoir every second. It's not a bad thing to be frustrated because you can't do what you want to do - but still try to make your time count. Keep moving forwards, find things you love and never feel bad.
My vow: is to see every day as a possibility! Tomorrow could be the audition that changes everything. Tomorrow could be the blog-post that changes everything. Tomorrow could be ANYTHING.
Let's try enjoy the ride... and keep our eyes open!
How To Spread The Vegan Word Without Being a Preachy A***hole
10 Reasons to F**king LOVE Ricky Gervais