I can't lie.
It's a bit of a weird time at the moment. Lots of things are uncertain and there are changes on the horizon.
I don't know if they're good or bad.
As usual in the life of a "first world problems" kinda gal, when I break it down, nothing is really wrong. I am ridiculously blessed, happy and loved. That goes without saying. BUT, sometimes it is just that little bit harder to smile widely and jump out of bed enthusiastically and care enormously about every single thing other people say because, honestly, things may be just a little bit shit right now.
Usually, I am the most bubbly person alive. It gets comments. I have an abundance of energy and genuine care for everyone around me (well, nearly everyone, I'm not a saint) but lately, as my own life takes uncertain turns, it's harder to keep the veil high and pretend everything is peachy when it isn't.
Which, begs the question: why pretend?
Because we are SO lucky in comparison to most of the world, I think we feel slightly guilty when feeling out of sorts or "depressed", for lack of a better word. If we feel a bit sad and low for no reason, it's automatically - "oh my God, pull yourself together, some people have it SO much worse!" Which is a great attitude, but, sometimes I do think we need to commit to our emotions and just let them be.
Let them be.
If you don't feel great today - don't pretend you do, at least not with the people who know you and care about you. Especially not to yourself. I've spent a lot of time inside my own mind battling these "low" feelings over the last few weeks and in the end, you have to give yourself a different kind of slap around. "Seriously, Hannah, just BE SAD for a little bit and then, when it passes, you'll be back to your old self! All is fine."
Let it be.
You may be wondering what is wrong at this point? (Or you may not care.)
The truth is exactly as I said above - there isn't anything seriously wrong when I break it down, which is why I felt compelled to write this post. I can analyze why I feel out of sorts and understand all the different reasons, but then I judge them! I judge myself for feeling low! So I have to give myself the slap around and say: "it's okay to feel sad for no reason."
I know that the catalyst was going home for Christmas. I went home for Christmas, saw all my loved ones, glimpsed the life I said "good-bye" to, felt wonderfully happy and healthy, lived in sunshine, talked with my friends into the wee hours, assessed my life, went for walks... It was bliss.
Then, at 7am I touched down in depressing, wet, FREEZING Manchester, where there was not a single cafe open for my wonderful UK friends and I to go sit together, so we were forced to crack the door to my equally depressing, freezing flat that hasn't had the boiler on for 2 weeks and sit there eating porridge in our jackets.
Yes, that has it's own brilliance and of course, I loved it on many levels. How lucky am I that I have phenomenal UK friends to make this experience bearable and sit in my freezing flat with me? How lucky am I that I had a freezing flat to sit in? How lucky am I....etc...
And this is what we do. It's okay to just say "it was a bit shit. It made me homesick. I wanted to cry."
I think I skyped with Mum non-stop for those first few days. I felt in Limbo. Why did I move here again? Oh, right... to act.... yeah. But, can't I do that in Australia where I feel happy? Why do I live in England?
To all readers: Acting and Theatre is an amazing profession to pursue, but it's a lot easier when things are going well. When things aren't going so well (even if it's NOT RELATED to theatre. Even if things just aren't going well at home) it can be really hard to drum up the motivation, passion and confidence to put yourself out there, find auditions and create work for yourself. Really bloody hard.
Also - blogging has become a bit hard. Hard because I'm financially stressed..... it's not easy to go out and buy hemp seeds when I can barely afford porridge oats, so my blogs are becoming a bit samey. I swear - if I post one more picture of sweet potato I'll have no followers left!
So, what do we do? What do we do when we are in a bit of a spiral?
EMBRACE. If my blog has to become a blog about how you can be vegan and broke - so be it. That will be what my blog is about. If my blog has to be "101 Things to Do with a Sweet Potato" (minds out of the gutter, folks) than so be it.
I know the challenge isn't the money, it's the emotional investment. I want to write about happy things and a wonderful life.... but it's not easy sitting down to write about a wonderful life that isn't quite happening at the moment.
I always want to be honest and truthful... why bother otherwise? We are all just people, doing our best, navigating our way through this really weird world full of disappointment and doubt. Sometimes we get it wrong and sometimes we have no bloody idea.
Either way, that's okay.
Did I make a mistake moving to Manchester? Even writing that sentence I know it's not true. I absolutely did not. Moving here was the best decision I ever made and I know that in my gut. So, I think that means it's okay to doubt it every now and then. You can stumble on your way up the mountain, as long as you keep going up.
So, what do I promise?
I promise to stay honest. If I literally am eating sweet potato and nothing else that week - that is what my pictures will be :) If things aren't so bright and happy - that is what I will say. Equally - this time tomorrow, or perhaps even after hitting "Publish" on this post, I know that I will feel better already. Because I've committed to the slump and that's the only way to get out of it.
I don't even know why I'm posting this to be honest....I think I want to say "I'm still alive, sorry I haven't posted for a while.... this is why.... now, hopefully some money will fall out of the sky (it's been known to happen) some motivation will hit me in the face (often happens) and this blog will get back on track. "
Maybe I'll re-title it "Life of a Broke, Cold, Dramatic Vegan". Get many readers do you think?
The worst thing, I think, is when we are going down this "what am i doing with my liiiiifffeeeeeee??" spiral. It's hard to get off and it's obviously a total waste of time. Unless you are sitting down, motivated, pen in hand, going "what am I doing with my life?" ready to make conscious plans, it's a question best avoided.
Do what makes you happy, have a plan if you know what it is, try and smile, have amazing friends and try to be the person you want to be.
I haven't felt like myself lately, but she's coming back. I know the woman I want to be, and I'm lucky to be able to say that. I'm lucky to be able to say I know what I want to do with my life and I know how to achieve it.
How lucky am I? Seriously.
I'm also lucky that I love sweet potato.
This "meal" cost me two pounds. Two pounds, people.
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